Unfollow me here and go follow that link > http://sound3ffectsand0verdramatics.tumblr.com/
All I ever do when I go on this tumblr is look through my archive of posts and reread the same posts over and over again. I can’t get over how happy I used to be with the situation I was in with Ralph. And now look at us .-. Ahh, I’ve been happy though :] Things have been getting better. Hanging out with my friends more often has really helped. And God willing, I know things can’t stay this bad for long. There’s a reason why all this has happened. I’ve been seeing things from a different perspective.
I’ve been better. A lot better. But even when I’m hanging out with my friends, I always feel like something’s missing. It feels like I’ve been left with a giant hole in my stomach. No matter what I do, I can’t fill it. I’m running on empty. I’m scared that one day I’ll give in. The only thing keeping me going right now is my friends, but seeing them so happy in their relationships is like a slap in the face. A brutal reminder that I lost that and whenever I think on that, the hole in my stomach grows bigger.
Relapse..I don’t think I can get away with saying it was an accident this time.
I haven’t been happy in awhile. And if this is the happiest I can be..well, it’s kinda depressing. Truthfully I was at my happiest when I had Ralph by my side. Even as just a friend, I think he was the only one who knew all my secrets. I miss him, I really do. But it’s been so long since we’ve talked. I don’t think we ever will again. And it’s my fault, I hate to admit it but it really is. I was a terrible girlfriend and friend to him. He always deserved better than me. I would always just bring him down, and I don’t think I was ever able to please him. God, I’m such a piece of shit. I’ve been able to successfully ruin every relationship I’ve ever had. Not just Ralph. But people after him too..and before. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
I’d give anything to have a chance to be a better person but I know I’d probably screw it up again. So I’ll just pretend to be happy until I can’t hold it in any longer. And once that happens, well I don’t know…maybe I’ll go away for awhile..maybe even longer then awhile.
My mom is home. And my friends are hitting me up to go out. But of course that’s out of the question.
I like how my mom decides to come home right when i start having a life -.- Like, I was literally just home by myself the entire time she was away. Now school is over and I’m suddenly being hit up and invited to places. But waitttttt, my mom comes home tonight -.- That means there’s no way I’ll be allowed out as late as I plan on. I wish she’d actually treat me like I’m 19 for once and stop trying to give me an 11 o’clock curfew >.<
Remember when we were all so happy as a group? When we’d all meet up at the garage and just go crazy? Running through the graveyard playing manhunt. Band practice and smoking behind the garage. There were so many of us and it was always such a blast. I loved it. Now..where’d everyone go? God, there’s so much hate between most of us. I don’t understand why we can’t all just go back to being like we were a year ago and just drop the bullshit.
Can I please see you soon? I’d really like to talk to you about things..and you still owe me from that favor I did for you..I wouldn’t ask for you to pay me back but it’s an emergency and I’ve been needing you to repay me for awhile now. If you don’t want to talk then could you at least do that for me?